forgoing conventional structure, into authenticity...

I was having a conversation earlier today, with a dear friend, about my parallel journey both as a yogini /asana practice and in coming into self and empowerment, moving from a who I *was* into a deeper, more powerful sense of empowered adulthood.

The story....

I began practice yoga on a regular basis in late 2000, and by early/mid 2001 had an established ashtanga practice. (www.ashtanga.com). Ashtanga is a conventional and highly structured practice, with a guru, specific rules of practice (so far as correct methodology vs incorrect methodolgy) and a very set series of postures to follow. I loved it. It was structured, something I truly needed- some would even say rigid. And for six years, it was absolutely the right fit: I thrived on the structured intensity, I eschewed meat, sexuality (not completely), and alcohol. I practiced pranayama (another piece of the traditional yogic path), I hung out with yogi's in urban Boston and the jungles of Hawaii. I was Jessica The Ashtangi and I had rules and my practice.... It was right it was right it was right.... until one day it wasn't.

I remember that day clearly, in February 2007. I was in my yoga sanctuary in the back of my home in Arlington, MA, doing an advanced ashtanga asana and it struck me: this is no longer correct practice. For somebody else, yes, but not for me. I was doing third series Ashtanga. And not sleeping. I had a locked jaw and despite years of yoga I was grinding my teeth. Yoga with music was taboo- another rigid structure or "no". I was TRYING. I was STRUGGLING and I was fighting and striving- in my yoga practice!

I was coursing heat through my body like a menopausal woman: but at age 29. Correct practice, yes, but not for my particular physiology at that moment.

Like a clogged drain or a constipated person I was suffering from energetic and emotional constipation and I needed to LET GO. Badly. I was a bit scared- this structured, regimented practice had become so ingrained in my sense of self, I was "Jessica the Ashtangi". Until I wasn't. My hips and my jaw were both clamped like a garden hose turned off: not much of anything was going anywhere.


And lessening that identification was structure or regime or a system created by "other" was a step , a significant one, into personal authenticity and power.

So I stepped into Forrest yoga, and in doing so stepped into a lunge and screamed. (www.forrestyoga.com)

Forrest Yoga, and its attention to emotional healing, emotion, trauma, and memory, had intruiged me for a number of years, but I had always been afraid to "let go' of the structure and identity I had assigned to myself . And I'd been afraid to "let go" of the emotional armoring: who knew what I'd find?

The next day, late February 2007, I went out and purchased the Forrest yoga advanced CD set, and began to practice from that instead. My sleep improved. The heat in my body lessened. Over time, with the Forrest practice and other modes of healing, I stopped grinding my teeth. I learned how to let go of struggle in a deep, authentic, way. Music sometimes made its way into my practice, and over a period of time my physiology has become more balanced.

Taking both Ana's Foundation and Advanced courses, each has been a journey of personal growth, and a dissolution from a rigid, structured, imposed sense of self into a more open, flowing and authentic state.

I've "let go" of a male based conventional yoga structure, based on traditional scripture, for one created by a roarin' American woman in flaming yoga pants. I've put aside primary and second series for lions breath, abdominals, and deep seated emotional expression/healing work on the mat.

I've changed. For one, there are fewer rules, and both the inhibitions and regulations have been stripped away. Music does come on during yoga! My hips are actually tighter, but there is more structure of MINE- its an authentic tightness based on my anatomy. The pain in my neck, jaw, and shoulders has vanished. I may be a garden hose still---but with water moving through.

This is ONLY a mirror of an authentic inner journey- not the source itself.

Internally, I've gone from being a rigid and fearful girl-woman into....me. Long hair, moving hips, strong legs, and a sense of knowing who I am and where I am headed. The practice is important, but is only a mirror. The journey that is at the core is deeper still: those steps from rigid girl woman, a reflection of someone else, to step by step hips bigger each year, walking into ME.

Yoga is an inherent part of my life, though it is far from all of me. And as I continue to find my own, powerful (as a friend put it!) "Raging Thighs" I will continue to find my own voice in defining my practice, both as a student and a teacher, possibly within defined systems, and possibly way outside of them.

Speaking to this friend tonight, who has known me since 2003, he reflected on how much more me I seemed than ever before.

"Yeah." I said. "And I have bacon in the fridge".