Day Nine: CALIFORNIA

retro hummer???

Nevada City,  CA: TREES!!!Welcome to California sign. Its that blue blob if you can find it...the scenery only got WAY better from there.

one of the more scenic Nevada views, from a Western Nevada rest stop
another Motel 6! Elko, Nevada
Day nine (today!) began with me waking up at the ungoddessly hour of 3:38 am.  Why?  Because last night I crashed at 8pm. After deciding a three am wakeup was not needed, I slept in till the luxurious hour of 6:30 am.  Had some motel 6 coffee (much better in Elko, NV, than Des Moines....) chatted with other early risers, and was on the road by 8:30 am.  

Nevada is vast.   And mountainous.  And dry .  And very empty feeling, except for patches of towns with neon signs for motels, and gambling, and less obvious signs for brothels.  It strikes me as evidence of universal humor, or perhaps irony,  that its next to Utah.  Near Winnemucca passed the signs for the Pussycat Ranch and the Mustang Ranch.  Hint: neither is about kittties or horses.  Nor is either one a ranch.  Some gas stations in Nevada have gambling areas.

Crossing through the rest of Nevada felt pretty much like an exercise in time consumption- as in- "how long till I get to California?"   

And then it happened.  At about 2pm, after starting out at 8:30 am (note one hour off road for gas and lunch), HILLS appeared. and actual trees.  To the right: a blue sign that read : Welcome to California.  It was 2pm pacific standard time and I was listening to Bel Canto's "Shimmering Warm and Bright."  There is significance in this....but that's another, not terribly interesting, story.

What Nevada was to dry and endless, my entrance to Northern California was to vast, majestic mountains and trees. I was in the Sierra Nevada mountains!  It was beautiful. It was spacious.  I didn't take the photos I wanted because I was tired and cranky and all of a sudden, there were actually other drivers!!!  I pulled off the road and sat by a beautiful lake for awhile.  Contemplated driving to Sacramento, started that process, and realized I was thirsty for actual - trees.   A tree?  Oh, yes, that thing I hadn't really been embraced by since Pennsylvania.....

Energetically, the vibe here, at least in the trees and hills, pre city , feels so right.

Night nine found me at my most decadent stop yet, the "Outside Inn" a cute motel in Nevada City/Grass Valley, Northern California.  Trees.  And now, perhaps, sleep.

Tomorrow:  Probably the last installment!   More trees, zooming by Sacramento, and into the Bay area. (unless I take a vacation day in the trees)

Stats: Miles driven...approx 350. 

Music:  the entire "dream" section of Jonathans ipod, eg Dead Can Dance, Bel Canto, Cranes, Delerium, Sinead O'Connor

Biggest Surprise: transition from Nevada into California

Day Eight: Ecstasy and Exhaustion

the gambling bus on the Nevada/Utah state line at Wendover (exists in both Nevada and Utah)Utah Salt Flats with odd thing rising up out of them
Park City, Utah
Late Wyoming into Early Utah- Note the transition

Wyoming, Utah, and Nevada: Ecstasy and Exhaustion

 

Day 8 of my pilgrimmage saw me waking up in Rock Springs,Wyoming (at another Motel 6!) to torrential rain and temperatures in the fifties.  Didn’t make it on the road till 10:20 am, and had slow going through Wyoming in the rain.  Almost immediately when I crossed into Utah, about 90 miles later, the rain cleared and a blue sky came out- and the landscape burst into lush, open, mountains. 

 

It seems to me that each state has a DISTINCTLY different feel than the one before, especially the further west I go.  Its as if someone drew a line EXACTLY where the terrain makes a dramatic shift, and said “here.  Here’s a new state.”

 

This was less true closer to the East coast, but starting with Iowa:

 

Iowa: bright, green, rolling hills flecked with pastures, farmhouses, and cows.  A bit flatter further west.

 

Nebraska: dry, flat green to almost brown landscape, bales of hay, and wind blowing one way.

 

Wyoming: A distinct shift from green to BROWN , with almost- perpetually cloudy skies.  We are now seriously in the west, folks.

 

 

Utah: two parts: Part One: Lush, green mountains, with big blue skies.  Part Two: The vast salt flats, feeling like…the moon.

 

Nevada: Back to brownish green, but this time mountains that are brownish green. This literally happens one mile out of Utah.

 

Its totally mind blowing how the scenery changes so dramatically at each state line. 

 

When I got to Nevada and Pacific time, it struck me: I’m almost there.  I could be in San Fran tomorrow, if I wanted to, but I’m going to take an extra day to breathe and integrate.

 

Stopping in Park City, Utah, for lunch, I connected with my friend Elizabeth, who I met while living in Maui about 5 years ago.  She’s in San Fran.  So are several other friends of mine, who moved there after I met them in Boston or Hawaii.  This is truly no accident. 

 

The past year of my life has been difficult, and its about to get way easier, and to explode into bliss.  I logically know it, but more importantly, I feel it. Talking with Elizabeth today – and taking this drive step by step- I feel all the beautiful things that are about to happen.

 

This is about destiny and divine perfection.  When I was ten years old, my teacher gave us an assignment to write an essay about where we would be at age 35, and I wrote that I was a psychotherapist living north of San Francisco, in the redwoods, (with my husband, who I have yet to meet, and two dogs, also yet to meet. )  I also KNEW that I’d drive cross country to get there, and that that drive would happen when I was 30 or 31.  Here I am, 31, driving cross country to San fran to go to graduate school for psychotherapy.

 

When I got to Nevada- all of this began to integrate.  I’m so close that I can FEEL California.  I drove through the first part of Nevada with my shirt partway up, belly to the wind, and shaking/laughing/crying with joy.

 

Day 8: Statistics

Miles driven : approx 340 very long feeling miles (wind, rain, mountains, salt flats,lack of sleep)

Soundtrack: Wah!, Enigma, Dead Can Dance, obscure gothy-stuff

Biggest Surprise:  Several. One: a car in the salt flats.  Two; A street in Utah/Nevada where it changes state in the middle of the street, and casinos pop up on the Nevada side only – but it’s the same town: Wendover.   Three: the transition from Wyoming to Utah, and again from Utah to Nevada.   

Day Seven: addendum

I wanted to blog about, and didn't, in my initial post how self love is a necessary "go with" to reclaiming one's autonomy and power.  More challenging than the anger piece, more necessary, and more powerful.  I was also thinking about this while driving through Wyoming.  And if self love is challenging to find....where does one begin?  My best bets are with nurturing behaviors towards oneself as well as things like nature and the loving kindness meditation.  Just adding.

Day Seven Stats

Soundtrack: Indigo Girls, Euro-dance, Silence, Delerium (the band)

Miles driven: 392

Biggest Surprise: My primal scream therapy session with myself in mid wyoming

Day Seven: Wyoming and Primal Scream

the mayflower:  seafood in cheyenne? How'd the pilgrims get there?
Rock Springs Wyoming sunset
giant boot in Cheyenne
Wyoming license plate

Day seven began at the Super 8 in Ogallala Nebraska.  I had breakfast at a truck stop, and upon chatting with the truckers and mentioning I was going to CA , they said "where, Berkeley?".  I'm not sure if it was ME or the leopard print shoes that gave it away.   

I was tired of the "hauling my life around in a cooler" dietary regime that I've followed all week, so I gave up on it today.  Not again.  Breakfast was--reconstituted eggs at a truck stop. Lunch was the weakest imitation of Asian food ever in Cheyenne Wyoming.  

Dinner was excellent food out in Rock Springs Wyoming.  The cooler is making a comeback. 

This morning saw me driving from Ogallala Nebraska to Cheyenne Wyoming- approx 200 miles, done in two and a half hours.  The speed limit out here is incredible....stopped at the Sierra Trading Post outlet-  nothing of interest.  Walked around downtown Cheyenne- the giant boot photo is from town center, and finished with a late lunch.  If Nebraska was the "gateway to the west" this is an entirely different universe than the east coast: and I love it.  

On the drive from Cheyenne to Rock Springs (about another 200 miles), I had plenty of time to think.  I thought about how the East and east coast symbolize structure. Concrete-ness.  Rules and laws.  And how this part of the country seems to be about spaciousness. Freedom. Not lawlessness, exactly, but a certain looseness-- a higher speed limit, a looser way of speaking, and walking, even.  The pioneers headed west to create something new, and different, and , for some, to create their fortune in California.  Lots of my process was around how traveling this direction is symbolic of hope, freedom, expansion, and a loosening of convention or other binds.

Last night I didn't sleep well, partly from travel and partly because a lot of my own "stuff" was up. Suffice to say the "stuff" coming up had EXACTLY to do with creating more freedom for myself, and loosening of binds.  In more than one sense, the issues coming up last night mirrored that which the pioneers dealt with: claiming life on their own terms, for themselves, and not being bound to what they may have been force fed by Puritanical society.  Westward was a challenge and a dare, and also a dream towards reclaiming themselves, spirit, adventure, freedom, and possibility.   

There were a lot of emotions moving through me today, some of them rage, and reclamation.  I drove through part of Wyoming howling like the wind,  howling the word "mine".   Mine.  This lifetime, this body, this spirit is mine . 

Wild, wild, wild West.

Rock Creek, btw, is fabulous and beautiful and scenic with intense sunsets.

Day Six: Nebraska Winds and Napping Cows

the prettiest lunch at the truck stop
this is a museum in Nebraskaand the coffee joint next door


what to do if there is a tornado while I'm at the motel

Day six saw me crossing state lines (again) from Iowa to Nebraska, but also a much more significant shift.  Iowa is the midwest.  Clearly. There are Hummer stores and Power Tool stores and a different vibe than NY or PA or MA, but its still very much the midwest.  At some point Nebraska shifts from midwest to the "west".  There are signs for pioneer this and that, ye olde western typeface everywhere, even a big, wooden arch over the highway with a covered wagon next to it.  I stopped at "Lasso Espresso" which was next to "The Sod house museum".

This morning began in Des Moines, uneventfully leaving Motel 6 and determined to get back on driving schedule and truck at least 400 miles today.  Doable, b/c the speed limit out here is 75, with 65 in "work zones". (in NYC work zones are like...30 mph).  I zipped out of Des Moines with no events till Nebraska.  I've felt like I was in "corn country" for quite some time, but any hint of hills vanished, and towards the end of Iowa it started to feel western - "ye olde western type face" began to appear around Council Bluffs, Iowa.  I was tempted to stop and be a tourist (this is getting very interesting!)  but committed to staying on track with driving.  Next up was going through Omaha, and a pit stop shortly thereafter.  Nebraska is flat. With bluffs, and cows, and corn, and wind that seems to blow strongly in one direction.  When I stopped, there was a distinctive drawl in people's voices that wasn't present in Iowa, and a sense, that yes, this is the beginning of the west,  but perhaps not the "deep west". (Is there such a thing?).  

Top photo: My lunch at a rest stop.  Long gone are the rest stops with restaurants and starbucks and gas stations-- now its eating spaces and vending machines.  Cooler still stocked from  Chicago, I had the most yuppie lunch (arugula and salamon and middle eastern salads) in Nebraska.  On hot pink plates , no less.  While eating I saw a woman in full on "Little House in the Prairie" gear--- the 1880's prairie dress, long grey braids, and I *think* a bonnet on her back.  Love it! Go Nebraska.

Next pit stop was for gas, where I also saw the "sod house" and "lasso espresso". 

After lunch I drove for about another four hours, crossing into mountain time while blasting Pat Benatar's "Heart Breaker".  The music and the new time zone sent me into bliss---and I spontaneously erupted into a "whoo hooo" (LOUDLY) while punching the air.  

I've been thinking about  a lot of things while I drive. Today, it was intense, like the literal and symbolic meanings of this trip, and how I *knew* I'd make this journey one day. That this is more than a road trip: step by step, mile by mile, state by state I am claiming more and more of me.  ( I "saw" this journey  when I was ten years old).  As well as random things, like "what state did Little House in the Prairie take place in? Gosh, I should re read that....".

I'm tired.  I didn't sleep well the past few nights.  At the same time, there is a profound energetic shift, a letting go and unwinding going on.  Geography is powerful.  As one of my beloveds put it "Jessica, this is your vision quest". 

Tomorrow: the rest of Nebraska and part of Wyoming.

Miles clocked:  425

Soundtrack: Annie Lennox, Amanda Palmer, Pat Benatar, Bananarama, etc

Surprise: Woman in prairie garb at rest stop

day five stats

day five stats

Miles driven: A very long feeling approx 320

Music: Dar, Ani, Scissor Sisters, Rammstein in Illinios while eating snow peas

Surprise: None for me.  I think Joe was surprised a. at my age and b. that I was driving cross country solo.

Day Five: CRANKY TIME!

Gas Station in Des Moines.  No Comment.

Welcome to Iowa...!!!

More Iowa history...

Me: snow peas in car...
Joe and Gia at the "Oasis" (eg rest stop) in Western Illinois

Day five saw me waking up in Chicago, thinking "why do I keep running my days on this trip to midnight?" Um, yeah, as I blog at nearly midnight yet- again. Time has a way of escaping when I'm driving, stopping too long at rest stops, getting directed and misdirected by a demanding GPS, and crossing multiple state lines!  Did you know that a GPS in Chicago is none too useful?Many roads overlap, so the thing sometimes doesn't know what street you are on.

After last nights pillow-affixed-to car-incident, I found my brother's friend Amanda in Chicago- lovely all around.   Stayed up too late, did yoga in the am, and encountered so much Chicago traffic, getting lost looked for a TJ's to stock my cooler, that I didn't get out of the vicinity till two pm.  Three thirty saw me at an Illinois rest stop titled an "Oasis". As in "Hey, did you see that Oasis in the Illinois desert...???".   Spoke to Joe and Gia- I love talking to people all over the country.  Saw him sitting on the back of the car and commeted how bizarre it was to have wifi in the middle of nowhere, and a conversation started.  Friendly.

After hours of industrial-feeling Illinois, Iowa burst out in rolling hills and a bright, friendly sign.  My brain started singing that Dar Williams song "Iowa, Iowa, Iowa"...."i've never had a way with women but the hills of Iowa make me wish that I did...". Dar came on the ipod in honor of Iowa.   Early evening--six to seven pm,....found me at an Iowa rest stop surrounded by small dogs and cute children (or cute dogs and small children.).  The speed limit was now 70, but i frequently found myself cruising at 65 in the right lane and not minding...somehow the hills were perfect after the flatness of Indiana, Ohio, and Illinois.  Wish I had more time to get out of the car and sightsee.   

Cranky time hit at 8pm when I realized no, I was NOT going to make it to Omaha tonight unless I wanted to drive till one in the morning.   And then got lost off the highway (thanks GPS!)   Called a billion hotels and they were either booked or super-premium- more cranky time. Got back on the highway and realized I was farther back on it than I was before...finally found a lovely (yet sterile) yet affordable Motel 6 in West Des Moines at 10 pm.  

If I vanish for a few days from this blog, I've taken some time out to find a cabin in Wyoming or so to meditate and be still and drink in nature.  All updates/photos will eventually appear.

Road trip pics from day four

Day four pics: top: rest stop Indiana

two: chicago skyway

Three: me in Ohio "hooray for Ohi0"

four: the Ohio rest stop:  A spaceship about to take off!

Exhaustion and Bliss: Ohio, Indiana, Illinois

Today was exhausting and ecstatic. I began in Pittsburgh in the am, and zipped across Ohio (photo of space ship looking rest stop), then Indiana (Old school rest stop) and into Ohio and Illinois. Leaving Pennsylvania was simple....and entering Ohio elicited whoops of joy- I was officially in the midwest. I stopped at a service plaza that looked like a landed spaceship, and made friends with Glen, the "ohio guide" who took photos of me there. Into Indiana, which elicited more ecstasy as I crossed another state line. Each new state feels like a metaphor for shedding that which no longer serves me - a letting go of the old, making space for the new. I was happy as I headed into Illinois and Chicago around 7:30 pm- that is, until the PILLOW. Someone had "left" a pillow onto the on ramp for route 90, and my car had the fate of grabbing the pillow and having it get stuck to the underside of the car. I pulled off to the side of the road, and spent a long time explaining the issue to AAA (no, there was no accident, but I have a sofa cushion stuck to my car. Yes, it was on the on ramp of route 90.) At a very late feeling 9pm i was saved and arriving in Chicago.

There is more that I"d like to write, with more depth and meaning, but at midnight after 11 hours in a vehicle, its hard.

Miles driven: 414
Soundtrack: bangles, 80's, shaman's dream, eclectic industrial
Surprise: a sofa cushion adhering itself to the underside of my car.

My pictures are not publishing and bed is taking a priority- sorry guys. Pics later.
Jessica

Day Three: Lounging In Pittsburgh

Day three of my cross country journey began with me waking up in Pittsburgh at the most auspicious hour of 8:30 am - decadent, considering I'd slept for nine hours the night before. The internal debate began of "do I zoom on to Chicago, or relax and enjoy time with a friend?"  Relaxation, no doubt fueled by nearly 10 hours of sleep, won.  

Photos above: Leigh Ann, in a hip coffee shop called the Beehive, Sideways above.  Me, below , on the sofa in PJ's.  Possibly embarassing in public domain, amusing none the less as this was my 10 am and in pjs lounging look.

At 10 am we made it out the door to do coffee at the Beehive and head to the Mac store. Verdict: My computer was not dead, merely ill. Revived.    

While at the Beehive one of the "Photo Men" from the day before paid for our beverages and remembered us. Sweet.    

Two pm on day three as I blog, and we'll see what else today brings. Tour of Pittsburgh?  A water park?  More napping?  AS I go I realize I've sped-raced through this year, and while I do need to be in CA by the 18th or 20th, that's plenty of time and there's no huge rush.  Its the journey that matters.

Miles driven: Zero.  Unless four miles to the Mac store in someone else's car count.

Soundtrack: Silence.

Surprise: One of the men from last night buying us coffee.

Pittsburgh seems to be about being.  And lounging.  And food.  Hooray for nurturing food- grilled zucchini. Rice pilaf. Pork chops. Thai food.  Possibility of coconut milk ice cream later....

Day Two: Camp Hill PA to Pittsburgh PA

Night one, after blogging my computer died.  Revived on day three at the Mac store in Pittsburgh.

 Day two on the road found me beginning my morning with yoga practice at Bobbi's place in Camp Hill. Met up with Bobbi, Nancy, and a troupe of Ashtangi's (I've left that club, I suppose? ) for a picnic in a local park near the Susquehana River.   

In the photo on the left, Nancy, Bobbi, and me from left to right, Susquehana River in the background.    After lunch, I got back in the car for a short sounding (200 miles)  drive to Pittsburgh, and  Leigh Ann.  The drive promised to be hot and sleepy with too many rolling hills, tons of silos, and yes, the occassional horse and buggy in the distance.  Driving across Pennsylvania is a bit like entering a time warp-- one drives THROUGH the mountains in tunnels built in the 1920's. 

I zipped down the Pennsylvania turnpike to PJ Harvey: music I discovered at 15 when first traveling to San Francisco.

   Stopping at a rest stop, I realized I'd left the east coast and "Middle America" had begun. Roy Rogers replaced McDonalds, and the architecture, aesthetic, and even "look" of the people I encountered changed dramatically.   Arriving in Pittsburgh around five pm, I was greeted by Leigh Ann, who I know from last year's Forrest Yoga teacher training.   Found a parking spot right in front of her place on the south side of Pittsburgh, which is both a miracle and excellent parking karma.

Photos at the top: Pittsburgh Skyline, and Giant Eagle, the Pittsburgh grocery store with two friendly guys (Ramon is one of them) who laughingly volunteered to be the Pittsburgh poster men.  

Photos Underneath: Eastern PA, with Nancy, Bobbi and me near the river.

I was in Pittsburgh, I was with Leigh Ann, and my computer was dead.  We caught up like two sorority sisters who'd been MIA for years, and then had a slumber party. The evening involved copious food and chatting,  and lots of sleep.

Miles Driven: 200

Soundtrack: PJ Harvey (Rid of Me), Inkkubus Sukkubus,  Rasputina

Surprise: Miracle Parking Spot

Day One- On the Road: Boston to Camp Hill, PA

Day one on the road, on my personal journey from Boston to California. I was initially going to cover Boston to Pittsburgh, and visit my friend Leigh-Ann in Pittsburgh....until....I went on the web and realized an old, dear yoga teacher of mine was in PA, on the nearby side of the state.  Saturday, August 8th finds me in Camp Hill PA, visiting Bobbi (owner of B Fit yoga) and Nancy Gilgoff.  This switch in plans feels like a blessing .....being sent off with love.  Today's drive was a lot of....me panicking! Mental loops about "will I get there before they go to bed?".  Eight hours of driving, about 400 miles, and lots of the "northeast" kind of terrain - rolling green hills and flat land.  A sense of gratitude, and freedom too if you will- to be at this point in my life and building towards a vision from spirit.  Each new state (CT, NY, PA) led me to whoop "WHOO HOO!".  Epic adventure.

A sense of magic....as  beginning my journey with Bobbi and Nancy brings back a lot of love and aloha from Maui.

Day One.

Miles (approx) 400

States: MA, CT, NY, PA

Music:  Nikka Costa, Lady Gaga, eclectic industrial mix from Jonathan's ipod

Destination: Camp Hill PA

Surprise: landing with those I love.....

Photo above: Gas station in Fishkill NY.  More interesting ones soon.

Magic is alive and CHANGE is afoot

Magic is alive and CHANGE is afoot.

I'm undertaking a heroine's journey, or vision quest of sorts.  Externally, I'll be driving from Boston, MA, to Berkeley, CA , from August 8th till August 18th (approximately).  Internally, this is a shift from power dynamics of tribe into my own rules, my own laws, my own free, feminine, wild and boundless spirit.  

August 6th.  I'm still in Boston, but  the journey has begun.  A  new friend in my life is teaching me many things including the sacredness of sensuality, the sacredness of connection.  I'm learning about intimacy in a more whole way from my own private healing, and from the tribe of beautiful friends that gathered to see me off, with love, last Sunday.  Life has given me walls, pain, and barriers.  Internal foundations and love have broken me open again....this journey is a reclaiming , rebuilding, and self healing.   

Externally I'm travelling to Berkeley CA to begin graduate school at CIIS for Somatic Psychology.  Internally- a reclaiming of self.    First stop: Either New Haven or Pittsburgh. Anticipated date: August 8th or 9th.  As I blog, you'll connect with commentary on the external journey, photos from across the country, as well as the voyage of Spirit (plus, perhaps, that days soundtrack.)

Stay tuned.  I leave you with photos of my "farewell" dinner in Cambridge, MA on August 2nd.

Jessica

Cross Country Journey- Upcoming

August 8th will see me leaving Boston and driving cross country to California to begin graduate school at the California Institute of Integral Studies, in Somatic Psychology.  There will be a blog. :) With lots of photos, and - since I'm driving- the soundtrack of the day, whether its PJ Harvey, or Michael Franti, or Weird Al , or.....!  Upcoming: Starting August 8th.  Stay tuned.  For now, the anticipated trajectory is:

Boston, MA

New Haven, CT

Cleveland, OH

Chicago, IL

Des Moines, Iowa

Boulder, CA

NV, somewhere in the middle

Sacramento, CA

Berkeley/San Fran CA

Stay tuned!

forgoing conventional structure, into authenticity...

I was having a conversation earlier today, with a dear friend, about my parallel journey both as a yogini /asana practice and in coming into self and empowerment, moving from a who I *was* into a deeper, more powerful sense of empowered adulthood.

The story....

I began practice yoga on a regular basis in late 2000, and by early/mid 2001 had an established ashtanga practice. (www.ashtanga.com). Ashtanga is a conventional and highly structured practice, with a guru, specific rules of practice (so far as correct methodology vs incorrect methodolgy) and a very set series of postures to follow. I loved it. It was structured, something I truly needed- some would even say rigid. And for six years, it was absolutely the right fit: I thrived on the structured intensity, I eschewed meat, sexuality (not completely), and alcohol. I practiced pranayama (another piece of the traditional yogic path), I hung out with yogi's in urban Boston and the jungles of Hawaii. I was Jessica The Ashtangi and I had rules and my practice.... It was right it was right it was right.... until one day it wasn't.

I remember that day clearly, in February 2007. I was in my yoga sanctuary in the back of my home in Arlington, MA, doing an advanced ashtanga asana and it struck me: this is no longer correct practice. For somebody else, yes, but not for me. I was doing third series Ashtanga. And not sleeping. I had a locked jaw and despite years of yoga I was grinding my teeth. Yoga with music was taboo- another rigid structure or "no". I was TRYING. I was STRUGGLING and I was fighting and striving- in my yoga practice!

I was coursing heat through my body like a menopausal woman: but at age 29. Correct practice, yes, but not for my particular physiology at that moment.

Like a clogged drain or a constipated person I was suffering from energetic and emotional constipation and I needed to LET GO. Badly. I was a bit scared- this structured, regimented practice had become so ingrained in my sense of self, I was "Jessica the Ashtangi". Until I wasn't. My hips and my jaw were both clamped like a garden hose turned off: not much of anything was going anywhere.


And lessening that identification was structure or regime or a system created by "other" was a step , a significant one, into personal authenticity and power.

So I stepped into Forrest yoga, and in doing so stepped into a lunge and screamed. (www.forrestyoga.com)

Forrest Yoga, and its attention to emotional healing, emotion, trauma, and memory, had intruiged me for a number of years, but I had always been afraid to "let go' of the structure and identity I had assigned to myself . And I'd been afraid to "let go" of the emotional armoring: who knew what I'd find?

The next day, late February 2007, I went out and purchased the Forrest yoga advanced CD set, and began to practice from that instead. My sleep improved. The heat in my body lessened. Over time, with the Forrest practice and other modes of healing, I stopped grinding my teeth. I learned how to let go of struggle in a deep, authentic, way. Music sometimes made its way into my practice, and over a period of time my physiology has become more balanced.

Taking both Ana's Foundation and Advanced courses, each has been a journey of personal growth, and a dissolution from a rigid, structured, imposed sense of self into a more open, flowing and authentic state.

I've "let go" of a male based conventional yoga structure, based on traditional scripture, for one created by a roarin' American woman in flaming yoga pants. I've put aside primary and second series for lions breath, abdominals, and deep seated emotional expression/healing work on the mat.

I've changed. For one, there are fewer rules, and both the inhibitions and regulations have been stripped away. Music does come on during yoga! My hips are actually tighter, but there is more structure of MINE- its an authentic tightness based on my anatomy. The pain in my neck, jaw, and shoulders has vanished. I may be a garden hose still---but with water moving through.

This is ONLY a mirror of an authentic inner journey- not the source itself.

Internally, I've gone from being a rigid and fearful girl-woman into....me. Long hair, moving hips, strong legs, and a sense of knowing who I am and where I am headed. The practice is important, but is only a mirror. The journey that is at the core is deeper still: those steps from rigid girl woman, a reflection of someone else, to step by step hips bigger each year, walking into ME.

Yoga is an inherent part of my life, though it is far from all of me. And as I continue to find my own, powerful (as a friend put it!) "Raging Thighs" I will continue to find my own voice in defining my practice, both as a student and a teacher, possibly within defined systems, and possibly way outside of them.

Speaking to this friend tonight, who has known me since 2003, he reflected on how much more me I seemed than ever before.

"Yeah." I said. "And I have bacon in the fridge".

Gateways: Asana and Body Psychotherapy....

Upon reading Michelle's blog (see her in the sidebar of followers!) I was compelled to post what draws me to yoga, time and again. My practice began in 2000 with a strong focus on the physical asana of Ashtanga Vinyasa...and thereafter commenced a love affair with the traditionalist aspects of yoga (Right leg first, yoga sutras, Guru-disciple) etc. I've since put aside some of that. Much of my own personal journey has been working to heal psyche vis a vis the physical body, and I've found an excellent container for that process in the less- traditionalist teachings of Forrest yoga (www.forrestyoga.com). While less "traditional", I've found the Forrest practice to be an incredible bridge between asana, pranayama, and pratyahara and healing the stories held within my body.

So what's the line or the gateway between yoga and.... body based psychotherapy? Is there a line? Does there need to be one?

Yes and no. In terms of what you see in your classes at a local health club, there may be a self-designed line created by the participants of the class, or by who is the teacher, or by the lineage. When I practiced Ashtanga Vinyasa, for example, although my "stuff" came up, the paradigm of that practice did not give me a container to process it during practice itself- only later. Forrest yoga does.

In the Yoga Sutras, yoga is defined as "the cessations of the fluctations of the mind." Googling "body psychotherapy" as defined by Wikipedia , is a system that addresses the mind and the body, including awarness of the clients process as manifested in all aspects of the physical body. (rough translation, not word for word).

In a sense, all yoga is body psychotherapy (when we look at how the yoga sutras essentially address the nature of the mind...) , and in another sense, in conventional systems, weight is given to the devotional aspects of practice first and foremost.

Can we have both?

Absolutely.

My perspective on this is that its like building a house. In order to get to the sixth and seventh chakras (eg devotion) or even the heart (also devotion/bhakti) there needs to be a solid foundation in the first three chakras- the feet, legs, pelvis, and belly. Say, for example, you've recently been in a car accident, and you go to yoga class. Is the first priority to work through the ramifications of the car accident (fear, fight or flight, possibly injury?) or to connect with God? There may certainly be both at the same time....

...but we need to start with the ground floor, eg the physical and emotional bodies and lower chakras, our emotions as manifested in our body....in order for our spiritual connection to be solid and have staying power.

I've had several friends/clients ask me if they could just skip healing and go straight to God. Yes and no. Spirit/God/dess can certainly accompany all of us throughout our journey, but you can't build a house without a ground floor: at least, not a house that will weather life's storms.

So as our individual and collective healing work is done, whether through yoga asana or elsewhere, we are able to structure a more complete and authentic connection to God/spirit/source.

Back to the original topic : try an experiment. Next time you get on your mat, slow down your asana practice. Close your eyes, and send your breath into a part of you body that has been habitually tight. And from there begin to sense what emerges.

Heart-core Power...

I've been struck recently by the connection between the power of the heart and the power of the gut- eg the knowing-ness flowing between the third and fourth chakra.

Energetically, the third chakra extends from navel to solar plexus (eg almost to sternum) and encompasses issues of self power, gut knowing/intuition, and will (power). On that level its connected to manifestation- manifestation through power.

Our heart (anahata) chakra flows upwards from the third into the physical heart, and around and behind the back body...thats why grief can run in currents behind the heart.

What do you love in your life? What brings you joy? What do you love to do? Do you love your work/service? Chances are, tapping into the answers to this question follows the flow of energy between third and fourth chakra.

For awhile, I've felt a dull ache in my third chakra without "knowing" what it was about. A dear mentor suggested that it was, perhaps, time to entertain going to graduate school for body based psychotherapy ( a vision I've held since childhood.) Instantly, as soon as I said YES and set up the interview, the ache in my third chakra ceased, my ribs physically dropped/relaxed, and my heart found more calm.

What's your vision?

The First Blog- Unity

Hello, aloha, and welcome.  Or to quote Michael Franti "Hello, hello, hola hola, bonjour bonjour, ....." (there was more to that but the cd is in the car).  I first heard that song by him yesterday and what brought tears to my eyes was the absolute feeling of  inclusion and unity- we are equally blessed and we are all in this thing called humanity together.

The sense of unity I felt when listening to Michael Franti's "Yell Fire" album last night opened my heart wide - like yes, people, this is what its all about.  We are one.  

The nightcap, to that  was finding Marianne Williamson's "A Return to Love" next to my bed: resonating with beautiful universal truths.  Relax.  Innately we are whole, its just that sometimes the soot of our "stuff" obscures us from remembering /knowing that. 

  And in that wholeness we are connected to Source- pain and suffering are simply us forgetting that connection.   I've read that in books, I've heard it from teachers, and more and more I own it in my heart.

Beauty- whether in an uplifting song, an inspirational book, a moment of clarity- is a reminder to me to step back from the internal dialogue and remember.

namaste,

Jessica